Starring: Barry Watson, Emily Deschanel,
Skye McCole Bartusiak, Lucy Lawless. Rated PG-13.
And now,
ladies and gentlemen, an exclusive glimpse into the Hollywood filmmaking
process, in which dashing young screenwriter Eric Kripke pitches his latest
project, Boogeyman,
to Mr. Greenlight, the fairy godfather of half-baked scripts in search of
studio financing!
Eric,
thanks for coming. Let’s hear your idea.
Sure thing,
Mr. Greenlight! Take a look at the most successful horror films from the last
few years. On the one hand, we’ve got a handful of time-tested brand names that
are practically guaranteed an audience – remakes of movies like Dawn
of the
Dead and Texas
Chainsaw Massacre,
only this time around the stars are fresh, household names, and the special
effects are cutting edge!
Sounds
expensive, Eric.
Sure is,
Mr. G! But thanks to blockbusters like The Ring and The Grudge, we now
know that star power is
overrated. Heck, the story doesn’t even have to make sense! All we really need
are a few attractive young actors, some loud, well-timed blasts of atmospheric
noise to make the kiddies jump out of their seats, and a healthy dose of CGI
magic! That’s where Boogeyman comes in.
Who have
you got lined up for the project?
We’ve got
Barry Watson from Sorority Boys, Emily Deschanel – she played a dazzling young receptionist
in Spider-Man 2 –
and even Lucy Lawless!
Lucy
Lawless? Excellent! Is there any nudity?
No, and don’t
get too excited, she’s only in the movie for about five minutes.
Graphic
violence?
No, and
that’s part of its commercial viability! Boogeyman is PG-13 material, with enough
cheap scares to please kids and adults. Lucky for us, the kids will be able to buy their
own tickets, making our target audience that much bigger!
You’ve
got a point. What’s it about?
As the
movie opens, little Timmy sees his father abducted by the infamous Boogeyman,
who’s not so much a man as a force of nature lurking in the dark, underneath
the bed and inside the closets of suburbia. Fast-forward 15 years. Naturally,
Timmy is scarred for life – he can’t look at a closet without falling into some
kind of catatonic trace. But when his mother dies, he has to return home and
face his childhood demon!
Sounds
simple enough. How does it end?
Who cares?
Needless to say, Timmy defeats the Boogeyman – I think he ends up smashing one
of his old toys into pieces, or something like that. Either way, he banishes
that creepy closet-dweller to an eternity in hell, and all is right with the
world… at least until the sequel!
You’ve
certainly got my attention, Eric, but before I give you the nod, tell me this:
Why should I sign off on Boogeyman, as opposed to all the other cheap slasher flicks that
cross my desk?
Mr. G, I’ll
be the first to admit that the movie makes no sense. The ending is arbitrary,
and there’s not a whole lot of imagination in play here – we’re counting on those
loud, unexpected crashes and thuds to keep the viewers on the edge of their
seats. But the actors are competent, and the story is never boring. It’s mindless
entertainment, with a few eerie twists and enough suspense to keep the audience
riveted right up until the final frame. Granted, it’s suspense of the cheapest
order, but hey, that’s better than anything The Grudge had to offer, right?
For damn
sure! I’ve heard better, but I’ve heard a lot worse, too. This isn’t a bad
start, but next time, bring a little more substance to the table. And congratulations,
you’ve got the greenlight!
