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Tommy TV's Unholy Spawn
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Rossiter Drake*

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Rock Stars Invade Reality TV 

Sure, Tommy Lee’s gone to college, but why stop there? There are plenty of B-listers ready for their retro moment of fame, and with reality TV the networks’ vice of choice, the possibilities are limitless. Here are a few shows we’d like to see crack the fall lineup.

The Apprentice, featuring Gene Simmons: KISS’ resident God of Thunder has always been more of a businessman than a bassist, and he’s certainly pompous enough to hold his own against the likes of Martha and the Donald. In this latest NBC smash, Simmons will seek out an equally soulless young exec to oversee his KISS marketing empire; losers will be subjected to repeat listenings of the band’s 1981 concept album, Music from “The Elder,” and drummer Peter Criss’ subsequent plea for attention, 1982’s Let Me Rock You -- surely a fate worse than early termination.

Rock Star: *NSync: Lance Bass, J.C. Chasez, Joey Fatone and Chris Kirkpatrick must be a tad envious, watching unofficial frontman Justin Timberlake ascend to new heights of pop stardom in their absence. So let’s skip the waiting period and find them a new partner in homoerotic crime. The requirements: Anyone (or thing) with enough musical savvy to carry on the proud *NSync tradition, and just enough charisma not to make Joey feel inadequate. Our pick? A potted plant.

R. Kelly Goes to Finishing School: Forget about Tommy’s stint with the Nebraska marching band. When R. Kelly shows up, camcorder in hand, at a private academy for underage girls, all bets are off. It’s heartwarming fun for the whole family, as Kelly showers the ladies with love and even wins the school poetry contest with the lyrics from “Trapped in the Closet,” his soul-stirring ode to marital sex: “I said my leg is about to crack/ Then she cries out, ‘Oh my goodness, I’m about to climax!/ And I said, ‘Cool, climax, just let go of my leg.’”

Dinner for Five: Yes, it’s been done – every week, Jon Favreau of Swingers fame sits down with four celebrity guests and chews the fat, often with entertaining results. Now, the Food Network puts a Warhol-esque twist on the formula: Big-and-tall crooner Ruben Studdard wolfs down five full-course meals by himself. No musical accompaniment, just a camera and the human pork-chop. Eating. And eating. And eating. Anybody seen Clay Aiken lately?

Survivor: Cabo San Lucas: For years, Van Halen fans have longed for a full-fledged reunion with David Lee Roth, if only for the nostalgic thrill of seeing the band’s only palatable lineup in action. That’ll never happen as long as Eddie and Alex Van Halen have their say, which is why the matter should be settled by brute force. Send Diamond Dave off to Cabo Wabo with Sammy Hagar and Gary Cherone for a series of cage matches followed by a long swim in shark-infested waters. The winner gets to headline the next Halen tour; the losers… well, consider them saved from painfully embarrassing solo careers. Oh wait! Too late.

The Amazing Race to Strangle Simon Cowell: Christmas week on FOX. Like Scrooge with Marley, the bitter Brit comes to terms with Idol contestants past. Parental advisory. -- Rossiter Drake 

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