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Jamie's World
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Rossiter Drake*

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The consummate entertainer, and so much more.

What We Don't Know About Jamie Foxx Could Kill Us 

He’s a comedian. He’s an Oscar-winning actor. He once had his own TV show. (Well, okay, it was on the WB, but still,) Now, hot on the heels of “Gold Digger,” his Grammy-nominated collaboration with Kanye West, he’s back with Unpredictable, his first full-length album of (mostly) original material in nearly 12 years. And on Dec. 20, henceforth to be decreed a national holiday in celebration of all things Foxxy, Oprah gave the album a little push by re-running an hour-long special with the man, highlighted by two musical numbers and a merciful absence of Cruise-like couch jumping.

Yes, Jamie Foxx is everywhere, a triple-threat on a mission to take over Hollywood, or so it seems. But what about the Jamie Foxx we don’t know? The Jamie Foxx whose versatility knows no bounds and whose mysterious powers extend far beyond the worlds of stage, screen and recording studio. The Jamie Foxx who could one day rule the planet – if we let him.

According to his loyal butler Alfred, the incredible Mr. Foxx is a practicing polyglot and, like Harry Potter, can communicate even with snakes. Movieland insiders maintain he landed his breakthrough role, in Oliver Stone’s Any Given Sunday, thanks to a little serpentine lobbying. “Brother James knows the old magic,” says Dark Wizard Ronnie James Dio. “It had long been prophesied in the Necronomicon that Any Given Sunday would give birth to a new star – Jaleel White, who spread wondrous joy as TV’s Urkel. But Brother James summoned the spirit of the snake to alter his future, just as Jimmy Fallon did when he persuaded Satan to let him star on Saturday Night Live.”

That’s not all. It’s no accident that Unpredictable will hit the streets just five days before Christmas. Sure, the Birthday Boy could turn water to wine, but Foxx can turn wine into Keystone Light. (Reportedly, he’d downed a few before accepting the role of “Bunz” in 1997’s Booty Call.) And though he can’t walk on water – yet – Foxx can tread it, and is training for the synchronized swimming competition in the 2008 Olympics.

And what gives with 49ers coach Mike Nolan, who was so bowled over by Jamie’s performance in Any Given Sunday that he supposedly tried to take Foxx’s character “Steamin’” Willie Beamen in last spring’s NFL draft? Foxx would have none of it. He was too busy preparing to go overseas as America’s top covert operative, hunting down Osama bin Laden like a hound treeing a raccoon.

“We have a secret-agent type fella over there, undercover-like and ready to smoke Osama out of his spider hole,” said a beaming, flightsuit-clad  President Bush. “I have no doubts our guy can get the job done.”

Pressed to reveal the identity of the mysterious operative, Vice President Cheney had this to say: “I can’t divulge that kind of information under any circumstances. It was Jamie Foxx.”

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