Starring: Nick Cannon, Roselyn Sanchez, Shawn Ashmore, Cheech Marin. Rated PG-13.
Could you be a Hollywood
screenwriter? The overlords of Tinsel Town are always hungry for fresh talent,
and now’s the time to show off your moviemaking moxie. Just take this simple test
for a chance to start your exciting new career today!
1. A high-school student has
been murdered, presumably by a crew of car-stealing classmates. A young
African-American detective has been assigned to infiltrate the school posing as
a student. Make him:
A. A gritty, tough-as-nails
ball-breaker looking to make a name for himself. Think a young Denzel
B. Carrot-Top! In
C. A trash-talkin’ homeboy
from the ’hood in a posh, seemingly all-white private academy in Beverly Hills.
2. Hoping to work his way up
the social ladder, our noble detective:
A. Writes movie reviews
the school newspaper.
B. Joins the chess club and
leads the team to a tense showdown with Russian bad boy Garry Kasparov.
Joins the basketball team
and leads a bunch of bumbling white boys to the city championship.
3. Cast Cheech Marin as a
world-weary police chief. He:
A. Unexpectedly quits the
force to serve as Kevin Costner’s caddie for a celebrity pro-am.
Sneaks off after work to
smoke joints with Chong.
C. Wanders through the movie
with a perpetual scowl, confiscating our hero’s badge because, dammit, he just
can’t play by the rules.
4. After losing his badge,
our hero sticks with school. Why?
A. He’s determined
his trigonometry final.
B. He’s suicidal after
failing to make a fully functioning elephant lamp in shop class, but redemption
is in the offing during an all-day detention with a diverse group of misfits.
C. His Spanish teacher is a
Although he’s been warned
to stay off the case, our hungry detective keeps sniffing around for clues. In
the end, he manages to:
A. Earn his high-school
diploma, leaving the door open for a sequel in which he attends Berkeley, sings
duets with William Hung and leads the Golden Bears to a rousing late-season win
over the hapless Stanford Cardinal.
B. Pass shop class, but the
murderer gets away.
C. Break the case wide open,
learn some valuable life lessons and land a date with that smokin’ supermodel,
er, Spanish teacher.
6. He gets his old job back,
A. Sort of. He moves to
Detroit, renames himself Axel Foley and rejoins the force as an undercover
B. No, he becomes a
professional lamp builder.
C. Of course!
welcomes him back with open arms, admits that he’s a damn good cop and smiles
for the first time in 90 minutes.
Time’s up! If you guessed
or B, we’re sorry to inform you that the position has been filled. But if you
guessed C, congratulations! You’ve already wrapped up your first Hollywood
blockbuster -- Underclassman,
opening today in theaters everywhere. Sure, it’s a formulaic comedy made up of
bits and pieces from movies like Beverly Hills Cop and Hiding Out, but hey,
everybody comes from humble beginnings.