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Underclassman **
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Rossiter Drake*

Cannon stars as a next-generation
Beverly Hills cop in Underclassman.

(Courtesy of SFStation.com) 

Starring: Nick Cannon, Roselyn Sanchez, Shawn Ashmore, Cheech Marin. Rated PG-13.

Could you be a Hollywood screenwriter? The overlords of Tinsel Town are always hungry for fresh talent, and now’s the time to show off your moviemaking moxie. Just take this simple test for a chance to start your exciting new career today!

1. A high-school student has been murdered, presumably by a crew of car-stealing classmates. A young African-American detective has been assigned to infiltrate the school posing as a student. Make him:

A. A gritty, tough-as-nails ball-breaker looking to make a name for himself. Think a young Denzel Washington.

B. Carrot-Top! In black-face!

C. A trash-talkin’ homeboy from the ’hood in a posh, seemingly all-white private academy in Beverly Hills.

2. Hoping to work his way up the social ladder, our noble detective:

A. Writes movie reviews for the school newspaper.

B. Joins the chess club and leads the team to a tense showdown with Russian bad boy Garry Kasparov.

C. Joins the basketball team and leads a bunch of bumbling white boys to the city championship.

3. Cast Cheech Marin as a world-weary police chief. He:

A. Unexpectedly quits the force to serve as Kevin Costner’s caddie for a celebrity pro-am.

B. Sneaks off after work to smoke joints with Chong.

C. Wanders through the movie with a perpetual scowl, confiscating our hero’s badge because, dammit, he just can’t play by the rules.

4. After losing his badge, our hero sticks with school. Why?

A. He’s determined to ace his trigonometry final.

B. He’s suicidal after failing to make a fully functioning elephant lamp in shop class, but redemption is in the offing during an all-day detention with a diverse group of misfits.

C. His Spanish teacher is a real hottie.

5. Although he’s been warned to stay off the case, our hungry detective keeps sniffing around for clues. In the end, he manages to:

A. Earn his high-school diploma, leaving the door open for a sequel in which he attends Berkeley, sings duets with William Hung and leads the Golden Bears to a rousing late-season win over the hapless Stanford Cardinal.

B. Pass shop class, but the murderer gets away.

C. Break the case wide open, learn some valuable life lessons and land a date with that smokin’ supermodel, er, Spanish teacher.

6. He gets his old job back, right?

A. Sort of. He moves to Detroit, renames himself Axel Foley and rejoins the force as an undercover specialist.

B. No, he becomes a professional lamp builder.

C. Of course! Cheech welcomes him back with open arms, admits that he’s a damn good cop and smiles for the first time in 90 minutes.

Time’s up! If you guessed A or B, we’re sorry to inform you that the position has been filled. But if you guessed C, congratulations! You’ve already wrapped up your first Hollywood blockbuster -- Underclassman, opening today in theaters everywhere. Sure, it’s a formulaic comedy made up of bits and pieces from movies like Beverly Hills Cop and Hiding Out, but hey, everybody comes from humble beginnings. 

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